TIPS 57-60: PERSPECTIVE, THE QUIET GAME, UNGLAMOROUS SPIRITUALITY, AND WRINKLES

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, TIP #57: Meditation and many other spiritual practices place much emphasis on the present moment. But in parenting, it sometimes serves up to visit the past and future in order to gain perspective on, and fully embrace, the present. Take my 4-year old today. We homeschool, so are pretty much in each others' company 24/7. Most of the time, we get into a groove and its just wonderful. But today, he was overtired and acting very toddler-ish, and I was about at my wit's end. I gave both of us time outs, during which time I quickly remembered that these "toddler moments" were a regular thing not so long ago, that I didn't even have the luxury of getting tasks done quickly, having time to myself or even taking a bath like I enjoy regularly now, and that by next year he will be so much more grown that what seems like an infernal eternity right now will soon be a memory, never again to be experienced between us. By the time our time outs were over, the present moment never seemed sweeter.

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #58: Modern day parents are given the advice that to boost your child's brain power, phonetic awareness, communication skills, early comprehension abilities, and more, that you should start talking to your child constantly pretty much from birth. Trying to be the best mom ever, I took this advice to heart and began a narrative of every moment with both of my babies, beginning prenatally. Sure enough, and just as the experts portrayed, both of my kids have excellent comprehension and communication skills. In fact, none of us ever shut up. We have become a house of yakkity-yaks, saying things like "bum pity bump" when we drive over a bump, expressing every experience, thought, emotion in painful detail. In 20/20 hindsight, I realize that if I had to do it over again, I would devote equal amounts of time to the miracle and magic of silence. We now allow ourselves, and with some effort, to be just quiet. We actively resist the temptation to say--anything. We started by calling it the Quiet Game, but now, with just a few glimpses of the peace and Universe connection, without the distraction of narrative, my kids and I are starting to go there on our own, without giving it a label like Quiet Game or Meditation Time. The experts love to talk about the importance of communication, but through silence we have discovered a communication with Truth that is much, much deeper and more profound, that supercedes developmental benchmarks, time, space, and labels.  

MEDITATION TIPS FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #59: It is relatively easy to be "spiritual" around friends and acquaintances. It is relatively easy to apply the practices of noticing your emotions and thoughts, for example, as you relate to them, remain in a centered space, and then go somewhere else to meditate or let go further as needed, etc. It is entirely another thing to be "spiritual" when your kids are sick with the flu, your husband is in a bad mood, and you haven't slept for four days. Even if you "act spiritual," they'll knock that act down in about two seconds. But if you allow yourself to be soaked in every last unglamorous bit of it--boogers, nerves, and all--then the Divine Mother will hold you securely. 

 MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #60: My father's face was deeply etched with lines and they were, for the most part, the happiest lines you've ever seen: upturned smiling crow's feet, expressively aware forehead lines, carefree dimples. There was one clear furrow between his eyes, though, revealing that serious part--the concentration and focus of a scientist, the deep thinking, and the internal demons. For the first time, I am seeing the same pattern of lines beginning to imprint permanently on my own face that so resembles his. And just like his, I adore the happy lines but would gladly botox the invasive brow furrow away, for it is the one stinker that indicates that I have had more than a few moments in a less-than-la-la state of being. During meditation, one often experiences great releases in the face: the jaw, the forehead, the eyebrows, the temples. I have watched more than a few parents, in deep relationship with their children, with faces squinched up in concentration, frustration, debilitation, and have started to become mindful of my own. The amount of tension stored in my face is mind-boggling. It even tenses up when I am wrapped up in a yoga pose meant to release something else like the hips or upper back. To be mindful of the face is cathartic. Not because it might stave off those pesky wrinkles--"face" it; they're here to stay!--but to achieve a deeper sense of awareness and relation with yourself in the present moment. It has become an integral part of my meditation, not only on the mat but now, especially, during the day-to-day mundanities, joys, and frustrations of parenting.

TIPS 52-56: GRACE OF NATURE, SAYING NO, STAR WARS, TANTRUMS, AND GETTING SICK

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #52: Outside in the forest, and deep in the ocean, is a daily battle of life and death, competition for food and light, exposure to sun, wind, storms, currents, hurricanes, and more. And yet, we seek the forest and the sea for their deep tranquility. We leave our burdened lives to find refuge in these places, and yet on most days, for most of us lucky folks, our burdens do not include struggles for life, death, food, light, or natural disasters. Our struggles are simply for balance and clarity, financial freedom, a fulfilling job, a great family or love life, happiness, etc. So why, in the light of our relative struggles, are the deep wild places our source of refuge and seeking? Because the trees, no matter their circumstances, surrender and give their whole existence to the Universe. The fan corals, waving in the currents, are completely at ease with the flow. We go to them because they are enlightenment, embodied, with no mind to get in the way.

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #53: Say no.  Don't do a lot of extra stuff, or fall  into doership without clarity of purpose and space.  The more I take off my life's plate, the more I appreciate the actual design on the plate itself, which I haven't seen for a good while...

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, TIP #54: Want your kids to begin to understand the concepts of prana, aka chi, and the importance of focus, concentration, and intention? Watch "The Empire Strikes Back" with particular emphasis on Luke Skywalker's training with Yoda. Let your child become obsessed with lightsabers and Stormtroopers or whatever it takes to "hook" them--and discuss Yoda's teachings frequently. I remember, at the age of 11, only wanting to be one with the Force. Not much has changed. Yoda is my first Buddha.

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, TIP #55: At a recent talk at the Temple of 
 The Universe, spiritual teacher and The Untethered Soul author Mickey Singer likened the tantrums of a young child not getting what he/she wants to the tantrums of the ego when not being fed what it wishes. His techniques, and the technique of meditation, instruct seekers to simply relax and let the ego's tantrum pass and not get engaged with it, just as you would with your child. But we parents get a double whammy when our child has a tantrum in a public place, because often the judgemental or concerned stares of others raises the hackles of your own ego, viz: "This isn't happening to me! They must think I am a horrible parent!" Etc. This is exactly why parenting is an intensive and awesome spiritual practice. It is one of the few life experiences that requires "multitasking" even in your meditation approach, but if you are willing, you can accomplish great feats of awakening by simply viewing these moments, in all of their discomfort, as huge opportunities for letting go, opening and awareness.

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #56: When you get sick, even the most experienced meditators can feel challenged in their ability to be present and peaceful with what "is." Meditation teaches us to "unstick" ourselves from the whirlwind of life, to be present to all that is happening without becoming lost in it. But when parents become sick, it easy to feel as if our whole world is unraveling, since so many others are directly dependent on our well-being. How to maintain a meditation practice and find center? Practice the ancient arts of patience and letting go of your need to be a constant caregiver. Patience in that despite the fact that you feel like ka-ka doing the things that MUST be done, like changing the diapers and feeding your kids, you will eventually feel better. Letting go in that maybe, just maybe, your kids will be okay for a day or five if they have a little more TV or frozen dinners than you would allow in your normal state. And, your kids might just surprise you and benefit from being loosened up a bit from your control. When I was sick recently, my 9-year old learned how to cook and load the dishwasher quite on her own.  With my safety paranoia, had it not been for illness, the poor girl might have had to wait until she was twelve before I allowed her that kind of important personal growth.

TIPS 49-51: Spontaneous Sits, Mindful Chewing, and Impatience

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip # 49: Somewhere between a formal, scheduled, and timed sit in a dedicated space and the moment-to-moment mindfulness practice of daily life, there is sometimes the opportunity for what I like to call a "Spontaneous Supervisory Sit." This opportunity takes place during one of those magical moments when your child or children are playing in a safe setting over an extended period of time, and your only job is to be with them and supervise. You can sit on a bench or cross-legged on a makeshift towel and mind your children and your mind with total presence. Just remember to keep your eyes open.

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #50: As I stood in front of the kitchen sink wolfing down handfuls of spinach tortellinis because between feeding the family and the animals and cleaning up and helping the kids with homework and picking up not-yet-housetrained puppy poop there was never any time to actually sit down and have a meal for myself, I realized that I was not eating mindfully. So I attempted to slow down each chew and carefully experience the sensation of the experience while leaning over the dish-filled sink. By the third chomp, with the dryer buzzing and the TV suddenly turned up the theme song to Scooby Doo at max volume in the background, olive oil dribbling down my chin in a desperate attempt to nourish and work hard at being mindful, son shouting "Mooooom!" -- I became distinctly aware that the whole scene was distinctly hilarious. Belly-bustingly, life-livingly funny, and the laughter that ensued was a cathartic testament that THIS, ultimately, sums this practice up in one, messy, loud, olive-oil basted, Scooby-Doo soundtracked, moment.

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #51: One of the interesting things to be attentive to in meditation, parenting, and life in general, is impatience. In meditation, you often see impatience in two forms: impatience within the practice itself, and impatience about the practice. An example of the former type is when you are immersed in your sit but frustrated with its progress, i.e.: "When will my mind shut up? It's been almost an hour and I want to get beyond this, but I am almost out of time! I need to count my breaths...no, that's not working...what can I do? It wasn’t like this yesterday; this shouldn’t be happening!” Etc. An example of the latter type is when you are on the cushion for all of 5 minutes but both your mind and body want to be done already and off to the day's doings, and your whole practice is spent using all of your focus and concentration to not get up until your established sitting time is over.

In parenting, we have the same two forms. An example of the former type, impatience within parenting, is when you just want your child to move faster, either physically, emotionally, academically, etc., rather than settling into wherever he/she happens to be for however long he/she needs to be there. I.e.: “Why isn’t she remembering how to do long division? Yesterday we were doing long division with decimals! Now it’s like we never did it! This is driving me crazy! She needs to be ready for algebra if she wants to get into a good college prep high school!” Or…”How long is it going to take to walk one block? I just want to get there! Why won’t he move a little faster? Yesterday I couldn’t get him to slow down!” It is usually in proportion to a parent’s state of personal uptightness or stress, which can compound itself brilliantly with the parent wishing they had time to meditate to alleviate that stress.

That leads us perfectly to an example of the second type: impatience about parenting, which happens when you are there with your child physically but really want to be doing something else—working on your poetry, working out, cleaning the house without disruption, meditating—and it takes all of your focus and concentration to simply try to stay present with being with the needs of your child. For all cases of impatience, and in all applications, the approach is the same. Just notice that you have it, give love to yourself and your impatient state, and gently be with it. It will take…patience…but it will pass much more quickly than if you go the “instant gratification” route and act on it by jumping off the cushion too soon or giving in to your uptight impulses with your child, rather than simply watching the impulses, noticing them and feeling them, unpleasant as those feelings are. Eventually, it will go away if you don’t hold on to it. And then it will come back. And then it will go away. And you won’t be stuck in any of it. 

TIPS 46-48: The Borg, Halloween, and the Oak Tree

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #46: Remember the Borg? Those big, bad mammajammas in Star Trek: The Next Generation that would find you, no matter where you were in the four quadrants of intergalactic space, and declare ominously: "You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile." Of course, Picard and crew valiantly fought for their individual identities, as would any of us under such circumstances. But the spiritual path is not the same. It's more like: "I am here, waiting for you at Home, with a depth of peace, love, and understanding that is beyond a single, individual mind's comprehension, that is your birthright. Whenever you wish to stop resisting, you'll get here." And yet, so many of us still fight this call in the name of this concept of "individuality" or "self-identity" as if that gentle beckoning were from a Borg cubed spaceship, terrified that we will be overtaken if we "let go." Ironically, when one lets go to the fictional Borg, one gets outfitted in a heavy robotic suit and can barely walk. When one lets go to the true reality of the Universe, one soars weightlessly, without burdens. Live long and prosper.

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #47: When one becomes a parent, one begins an adventure of awareness that is keenly connected to one or more other deeply feeling beings. It's not "all about you" anymore. The choices you make for yourself, like embarking on a meditation practice, making earth-friendly choices, and more, become that much more important to the open-hearted beings you steward. This living, loving practice includes how much Halloween candy you choose to gorge yourself on. At least, show some discretion as to which brands of candy you totally pig out on, throwing in great memories from your childhood, with a few wise words between gooey, chewy, blissfully chocolatey mouthfuls about enjoying the experience without guilt, even though the rest of the year even one piece would drive you into a "teaching moment" about how refined sugar and cheap chocolate causes rotting teeth and pimples and is destroying the planet and promoting unfair economical practices, etc. The next morning, practice mindful quiet sneak-walking when removing a scrumptious York Peppermint Patty from your kids' Halloween basket, and appreciate every secret bite as you eat it for breakfast, throwing in a few childlike giggles between chews.

 MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS (which is essentially everyone since we all care for others along this path), TIP #48: The next time you are terrifically stressed out because you are late for the orthodontist or unable to get to soccer on time because you cant find your daughter any clean socks or... (insert everyday stressor here)... stop for a moment, breathe deeply, and consider the oak tree outside, the air it exchanges life-giving gases with, the clouds that will sooner or later congregate to feed it water. It is unconcerned with dirty socks and missed appointments. And yet it grows, indescribably beautiful, calm, and upward, and will continue to do so even thirty years from now, when you are worried about being late for your geriatric checkup.

Tips 41-45: We Are All Parents, Cosmic Energy, Busy-ness, Worry, and Deep Peace

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #41: We are all the Divine Mother and Father. Even if you don't have physical children--i.e. short growing beings (4-leggeds included) living with you for an extended period of time--your life and work are, as Zen Master Teacher Valerie Forstman so beautifully describes--your "beloved children." Embrace each element of your life with the fire of love and the song that one sings for the beloved.

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #42: The "meditative state" is described as being reached when one sits through the watching of thoughts and noticing of sensations until, ultimately, thoughts and sensations are minimized and one is in stillness and fully in the present moment. It is in this state that one can receive the very powerful sustenance of "cosmic energy." Not all sits lead to the meditative state, and being in witness is enough. But some sits do reach that state, and the impact of cosmic energy is noticeable. Parenting can be like that, too--most of the time, while you are playing with your child and being a good parent, you are also planning dinner, thinking about work, and organizing the many details of life in your head. But sometimes, your brain shuts up and you are actually, fully, PLAYING with your kid and having the time of your life acting like a Power Ranger or kicking a ball. Embrace yourself at those times. Then open your chakras and let the cosmic energy flow in, baby. It may not happen all the time, but when it does, that cosmic energy is some powerful stuff, and you need not be sitting on a cushion to receive it!

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #43: When my kids were born, my guru, aka my mom, told me that I was entering "the busy stage of life." And Oy, was she right. And Oy, do we parents love to talk with each other about the busy-ness of it all. But, as we continue our meditation practice to create space in our experience of life, so too can there be space in the busy-ness. The amount of things that need to be tended to might not change, but our whole approach to it can change drastically, starting with an acknowledgement that our attachment to the busy-ness might be causing suffering. How? By thinking about the state of busy-ness all the time. My guru (mom) always gave this bit of advice: "Saunter." Commiserate less, experience more. Off now to saunter to my desk, then to two meetings, then chores, then car repair (again), then picking up kids, then piano practice, then redirecting my sons new obsession with the word "poop," then dealing with fatigue and runny noses, then homework, then cooking...then counting some stars and breathing in some cinnamon tea. One glorious busy-but-not-busy moment at a time.

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #44: Parenting can put you in a constant state of urgency, usually due to the fast pace of taking care of soooo many little things all day long. When you are beginning to panic because you forgot to cut the organic carrots in cute little circles instead of the long, skinny way, which is how your son used to like it but now he likes the circles, it is time to make some time for meditation. At best, meditation puts everything into a healthy perspective. At the very least, you begin to watch how silly your mind sounds worrying as much about the shape of your kid's baby carrots as it does on world issues, creating peace, and saving the planet.

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #45: At a recent talk, "Untethered Soul" author/spiritual teacher Mickey Singer spoke of the spiritual path as leading to "The peace that passeth all understanding." This passething thing I totally get. It is understandable that it is hard to feel peace when your 3 your old is throwing a tantrum about being offered a carob bar and not being able to have a Kit Kat while forty-two people at the health food store are watching and going tsk-tsk. It is understandable that you feel at a loss to explain to your devastated tween daughter why Orangutans might be going extinct in ten years thanks to spoiled human logging. But once you have had a glimpse of the deep stillness beneath the storm of everyday life, you begin to realize with awe that eventually, even catastrophe will not ruffle you. You parent. You experience. You breathe. You love. You cry. It is beyond superficial, mind-based understanding, but who cares? There's nothing at all to figure out, because for some reason, when you reach this state, your son begins to like chemical-free chocolate, and the Orangutans have a real chance, and the tears flowing from your childrens' eyes are from their open loving hearts instead of frustration.

Tips 36-39: Housework, Healing, Nonviolence, and Sippy Cup Meditation

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #36: In "Autobiographyy of a Yogi," after Paramahansa Yogananda attains supreme enlightenment, transcendentally flying through the air and seeing and knowing all, his master greets him on his return with a broom and a smile and asks him to sweep the floor. In Zen, this is called "Chop Wood, Carry Water." So if you think you can't be on the path because you have too many chores to do, guess again--even the masters couldn't be absolved from household duties. In fact, household duties are sort of the point.

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DAD, Tip #37: It is very good to catch your son's cold. It is especially good for it to turn into a very bad case of bronchitis and send you to the doctor for antibiotics. Why? Because people like me rebel against the knock-down, especially after I am convinced that by being on this path I can use all kinds of positive healing affirmations and visualizations of healing light and natural remedies from the garden and breathing and yoga and not need "evil antibiotics." Because I know that this sickness and the immediate need for antibiotics indicates a much greater, life-oriented need to turn inward and really pay attention to a much more long-term healing that beckons for a less "go go go" attitude and lifestyle, that allows for imperfection, softness, slowness. That being manically proactive for natural remedies was just another form of "go go go" with a holistic label. To finally go to the doctor was to totally surrender to what I would have once perceived as defeat. It was humbling. And maybe that is what is finally causing the healing, more than the antibiotics.

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #38: While there are many, multi-faceted and much-numbered principles in Zen, the Dalai Lama bases his teachings on two foundational principles: 1) the interdependent nature of reality, and 2) do no harm/non-violence. That means, as a parent, while you would never harm your child, you must never beat yourself up (literally or figuratively), either. 

 MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #39: While you may have created a lovely sitting area with zafu/zabuton cushions and a small shrine with a Buddha and a bamboo on it (and maybe some little crystals with a mala bead necklace going around the whole thing) you may never get there some mornings--like when your small child calls out for you to bring him a yogurt drink in a sippy cup and just lie down with him for awhile. These shrine-and-cushion-free mornings do not sacrifice your meditation time. Lying there in the warm darkness of pre-dawn is a perfect time to "sit," whether by counting your breaths, counting his sippy cup slurps, working on a koan, or simply doing shikantaza, aka "just sitting (lying/walking/jumping/yelling/freaking/fretting/blissing out/etc.)" and noticing all happenings within and without in this very moment.

THE FOUR NOBLE TRUTHS--of Parenting and the Path

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #40: The Buddha laid out what are called the Four Noble Truths, and they are considered the foundation for this path.  Here they are, simplified and modified for moms and dads:

1) With the considerable demands of parenting, there will times when you really feel suffering.  And oy, when you really feel it, does the rest of the family feel it too.

2)The reason we suffer is usually because we have really high expectations of ourselves as parents and the world and people around us, and with expectations not being met (i.e we get sick--not supposed to happen! Our child misbehaves--not supposed to happen! I can't finish all my work in time--not supposed to happen! I am not a perfect mom/meditator as I see what perfect is supposed to be--not supposed to happen!), and with our constant efforts to mold ourselves and the world around us so they can be met, comes predictable disappointment, fatigue, heartache, etc., aka suffering.

3)There is a way to end this cycle of suffering.  The whole world benefits from this "Way." You do not have go to any extremes like leaving your family to go on a lifelong pilgrimage to the Himalayas or live as an ascetic in the woods and eat oak leaves for 12 years, nor is the way to win the lottery and have all worldly needs compensated for (although occasional pedicures are really nice).  It is often called "The Middle Way."

4) The Middle Way involves concerted daily focus on right choices, as defined in the Eightfold Path, and is worth studying, but ultimately it is your very clear intention to end suffering and the daily action of sending love to yourself and to others, as well as meditation, that will set you -- and those around you -- free.  Enjoy, or at least notice and fully experience, every moment.

TIPS 33-35: Mother Bear, Recovery, and Smart Phones

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #33: Most moms, dads, pet parents, and other caregivers have had at least a taste of the power of "Mother Bear": If their child is threatened in any way, all fear or conventional thought disappears and you attain almost super-powers to defend and protect your loved one. I once dove, literally without a thought, into the middle of a violent attack on my dog, grabbed the jaws of a Cujo-sized million-pound Rottweiler and pried him off of my little Schipperke. The sheer laser focus of my mission sent the ginormous canine whimpering away by some unspoken force that came out of me that apparently was something to be reckoned with. I was totally in the moment, without thought or distraction or fear, and was gifted a brief but powerful glimpse of the power of the freedom that this pure state of mind bequeaths. Imagine what we would be capable of if one could maintain this state of mind during the daily, "Nothing Special" routines of life. Without the drama, without the threat---but just with the experience---the powerful peace of human existence without suffering.

 MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #34: One of the phenoms of this practice is that as you learn to stop fighting with and start surrendering to the reality of your present experience, reality starts dancing the cha-cha with you. To use the previously referred-to illness as an example: When I stopped trying to plow through my sickness grudgingly and just relaxed (as much as one can with a head cold) into "being sick," an amazing thing happened. Life slowed waaaaay down. The laundry list was the same, the kids' needs were the same, the house just as messy, the emails just as extensive, the daily schedule just as busy. But somehow everything got slower, and I could hear and see much more beyond the senses that congestion was obscuring. Went to water the garden and discovered that the garden wasn't a place to water and pull weeds from--it just made me happy, and I noticed for the first time that some of the weeds were attracting butterflies. Went to the Citizens Co-op and consumed massive quantities of locally grown, organic vegetables, and the whole experience of having such a place so close to home and being able to self-nourish so easily got me downright mushy with appreciation. Languished in a loooong forward bend. Picked up the kids and just felt like kissing them. Who would've thought that a state of recovery could actually procure a state of Grace? Bows.

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #35: Got a Smart Phone? You know, that little palm-sized doodad with all of your emails, Facebook, Apps, Alarms, Calendar Appointments, and Games? Congratulations, you've got distraction. Got kids? You know, the little hip-high beings who want to throw the damn thing out the window because you are only halfway paying attention to them when the palm-sized doodad is within arm's reach? Congratulations, you've got real live Keepers of the Present Moment.

Tips 31-32: Congestion and Word Doohickeys

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #30: Sometimes, like today in my case, you catch a really nasty bugger of a cold from your son who caught it last week from some coughing, stuffed-up kid he was playing with in school. If you're really rocking, your daughter catches it too and she gets uncharacteristically cranky and whiny, which, since you are sick too, is enough to drive you bananas. To top it all off, just as the worst of the cold is barraging you with its whole gloppy, merciless effect, your son, who started it all, is almost completely better and only wants to be as totally wild as he can possibly be to make up for all the other days he was lying around. A sit-down meditation is totally out of the question, since your nose alone won't allow you to sit for more than two seconds without requiring a tissue, and your son is trying to climb up on your shoulders ("to be as tall as a Transformer Bot!") at the same time, and your head is so congested and swirly that you can't even make sense of your thoughts, no less watch them or let them go. You want to go into major "do something about it" mode: pull out the echinacea, vitamin C, neti pots, garlic, manuka honey, neem, ginger, astragalus, loquat syrup, green tea, and legal or maybe illegal drugs, and try to trudge through the day in misery with some nice kvetching at your husband thrown in for maximum effect, while you dutifully go through the motions of cleaning and cooking and laundry and Facebooking and bugging your kids to clean up their messes and practice piano, but really, ultimately, there is only one thing to do here: Be sick. Achoo.

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #31: Just cleared my fridge of about a million of these little "Magnetic Poetry for Kids" doohickeys. They were wonderful when we first got them--we made all kinds of creative, brilliant, and witty statements--but that was a few weeks ago and now they have disintegrated into a bunch of word debris infecting every corner of my fridge. While mindfully removing piece after piece, I visualized simultaneously removing thought debris from my brain. Just like the doohickeys, our brain has an amazing capability of creating brilliance from small parts. But then it just keeps them all in there like a good little data processor until they unravel and float about, further obscuring our efforts for potential cleanliness of our mind. In the Buddha's teaching, "the criterion of genuine enlightenment lies precisely in purity of mind." Are there any similar, metaphorical models for your mind in your physical world that you can purify?

Tips 28-30: Cacophony and Natural Freedom

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #28: A great time to really "hear" all the thoughts in your mind and work with them is in the deep quiet of the very early morning, free of the hum of all the family and household noises, and ideally when meditating. But sometimes, when you have extenuating circumstances, like you have to sneak out at 6am for work and try really, really hard not to wake up the rest of the family, who seem to know when you are trying not to wake them up and you know they are surely going to wake up any minute now and then what will you do--and even microwaving your cup of organic green tea becomes a worrisome task--listen to the cacophony of your thoughts then. If the sheer volume, variety, and intensity of your thoughts concern or upset you, then you are still in one of the crazy layers of your mind. If you find the whole thing to be hilarious, or, as Mickey Singer endearingly says, "cute and adorable," then you are in your soul's Seat and can start having fun with it all.

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #29: In meditation, the teachings as expressed through dharma talks and readings, as well as koan studies, are often described as " beacons" or "pointers" toward enlightenment. Another metaphor would be that they are lifeboats to help take you home. On the path, they can frustrate the practitioner, because the rational mind can't quite wrap around the words. And yet, if we can keep from thinking too hard or getting frustrated, we are somehow naturally driven to keep going after them, and are gifted breakthroughs along the way, in which we respectfully part ways with each beacon after it has done its job. Believe it or not, your child's natural evolution is a good model for this idea. Take potty training (really) and reading, as examples. In the former case, we try and try for our toddler to become free of diapers by buying them a Prince Elmo potty trainer that plays "You Are My Sunshine" with lights that twinkle when Elmo's voice says: "You did it!". And yet, your child continues to use his diaper, despite his apparent delight and curiosity at Prince Elmo's pomp and bling. Day after day, devotedly, you practice with him. And then, one day, he is no longer in diapers. In the latter case, your child sees letters and words and pictures and it all looks like a bunch of gobbledygook for years, and yet she is driven to keep processing them somehow, and then she reads. There is not much difference between these examples and koan practice or the deciphering of mystical sayings, save for one big difference: with our practice, our big fat mind likes to get in the way. Look to your child, beautiful and surrendered to his/ her natural, innate abilities and perseverance to become free, without self- imposed obstacles.

TIPS 26-27: Sleep and Innocence

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip # 26: Sleep is underrated. If you are totally sleep deprived as a parent, you are at best barely functional and at worst a safety hazard. If you are sleep deprived when you meditate, you'll probably just pass out. If you are already sleep deprived and you set your alarm extra early to meditate before waking the kids up, fuggetaboutit.

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #27: Children have a way of interpreting, utilizing, and expressing the spiritual/yogic/meditation teachings in their own unique ways. Because we are adults with lots of stories--i.e. baggage--that can affect or infect our interpretations, these unique expressions of children can either irritate us and make us feel we need to correct them towards the "proper" way of expression, or, better yet, bring us back to total innocence if we let them. Take my 4-year old son, for example, who, like most young children, is full of totally innocent, unique, and hilarious expression. Today, I asked him to use a mindful "Yoga Nidra" type of body scan to help him get to sleep for naptime. So he did, a la: "Go to sleep, eyes! BAM!!!" (hitting his face close to his eyes). HAHAHAHHA! "Go to sleep, head! SUPER ZOP!!!!" (punching self on the head), HAHAHAHHAHA! "Get yourself to sleep, ears! WHAAMMMMOO!" (boxing himself on the ears), BWAAAAAAHAAHAHA! etc....Similarly, my daily efforts to remind my children that we use this experience of life to help and support all beings was expressed uniquely by the 4-year old this morning, when he put gobs of white sunblock all over his arms, legs and face, looked at himself, laughed hugely, and proclaimed VERY loudly to our dog, Freedom: "LOOK AT ME!! I AM WHITE MAN!! WHITE MAN WILL HEEEEEELP PEOPLE AND ANIMALS ON THIS EARTH! THAT IS MY JOB! THE JOB OF WHIIIITE MAAAAAAAN!"

TIPS 23-25: Hurricanes, Oneness, and Awfulizing

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #23: Here in Florida, we talk about hurricanes a lot. The other day, my daughter was asking me about the eye of the hurricane. We talked about how it is supposed to be very beautiful and almost mystically calm when the eye passes over. She noted that "If a really big hurricane comes, I would just find my way to the eye and just stay in there." My meddling monkey mind thought about this for a moment and chimed in: "Oh, no. The eye is right in the middle of it. You'd be stuck. How would you get out? What if you can't stay there and the worst parts of the hurricane are right there? Best to get as far from the hurricane as possible." My daughter's response: "Momma, you can just stay in the eye until the hurricane eventually runs out of energy. Then you are never blown away, and you get to experience something really amazing." Whoa. Never, EVER underestimate the natural Divine wisdom of a 9-year old. See you in the Eye.

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #24: Meditation brings us into Oneness. There is no small "I", no bubble of the individual... Only the big "I" of the Ocean, the infinite, connected awareness. But should you ever feel disconnected, look no further than the natural, daily interactions with your own kids or loved ones. Their happiness is your happiness. Their pride in achievements is your own pride and joy. Their grief cuts through your heart deeper than if you were the one having the direct experience. Take any elementary-aged soccer game, when two dads might either slug or hug each other in direct proportion to what their sons are doing out in the field, or any exhausted middle-schooler trying to finish their homework late at night while their parent's hearts' and bodies similarly hurt from the fatigue and frustration, or any mom that has sobbed with her five-year old daughter when her beloved pet hamster Fluffy dies. There is no "you" and "them," no mind creating separation. You are in these perfect moments absolutely together, and your Source is the same.

 MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #25: In parenting, we call this the "downward spiral:" Mom hasn't had enough sleep and is fighting off a cold, making her a bit on the edge. Daughter asks to have double fudge cupcakes before dinner. Mom says "No!" a little bit too sternly. Son trips and falls over his Transformer toy and starts to cry. Mom gets mad that toy was left out. Daughter asks for dessert again. Mom screams "I SAID NOOOO! WHEN ARE YOU BOTH GOING TO LEARN TO LISTEN? AND WHY IS THIS HOUSE SO MESSY! GO TO YOUR ROOMS!!!!" Both kids start to cry and go to rooms and slam doors. Mom feels terrible, and then begins what is know on the spiritual path as the "downward spiral of the mind," also known in psychological circles as "awfulizing": "Wow, I really messed up. I took all my own anger on my kids. I have screwed them up for life. Who am I. I am a terrible mom. I need to do better. Their entire fate is in my hands." Mom stays depressed all night, kids stay sad, etc. In meditation, we practice allowing for ALL of this to happen, because it will, because we are human vessels with emotions and pain. By relaxing and allowing even the parts we don't want to happen happen, while consciously pouring love into oneself, they dissolve sooner than you can believe it. Just by being conscious that it is all happening, one is allowing those negative spirals to bring us to awareness and move beyond it, opening space for unbelievable Love and gratitude. Then you can get back to the business of whatever the next experience is. And thank goodness we are here in the first place to have any experiences at all.
 

Tips 21-22: Beginners and Boo-tays

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #21: Meditation, like parenting, is an organic--not linear--practice. You don't start as a beginner, go through some sort of formulaic progression of steps that need to be checked off, and end up enlightened or done with parenting. Funny thing is, it usually feels that way for quite some time. You do things by the book, you feel inner peace and a higher connection to a deeper source, and get a sort of spiritual illusion of "wisdom" that comes with being "experienced." You do things by the book, your child grows and appears happy and more independent, and you feel a similar sense of confidence that you are an experienced parent. But when you least expect it, both your practice and your child will need you more than they've ever needed you before, and with an earnestness that reminds us that we are all beginners. That is where real wisdom resides.

Meditation Practice for Moms and Dads, Tip #22: Last night, I came home all blissed out after meditation and chanting, get my kids into bed and tell them a fabulous story, and the little Buddha darlings started drifting off to sleep. Then, about three minutes later, Benny says: "Butt." And then Ohana says "Butt." And then Benny says "Butt FACE!" Ohana: "Double gassy butt FACE!!!" "Butt!!" "FACE butt!" "Butt on your FACE!" "BUUUUUTTTTT FAAACE WITH POOOOOOP!" "POOOOPY DOUBLE POOP BUTT FACE!!!" Noticed my reaction--my real self wanted to laugh, but the "parent" self knew I should tell them to stop and go to sleep. Conflict. Laugh? Reprimand? Both? Times like these, stop, breathe, relax, feel, allow. Then do. At this moment there was only one thing to do. Me in my most commanding, parental voice: "Benny and Ohana Smith!!!!!" Them, trying not to crack up: "Yes, mommy?" Me, after a pause: "BUTT!"

Tips 16-20: Martyrdom, Sitting Space, Hormones, Doer-Ship, and Spider-Man

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, "Just Do It" Tip #16: Proactive parents are notorious martyrs. We spend most of the hours in each day, most days of each week, and most weeks of each month making sure our kids are eating vegetables and avoiding trans fats, artificial colors and high fructose corn syrup, getting enough sleep, brushing their hair and teeth, dressing in clothes that are neat or at least moderately clean, making sure they read and learn, etc. all the while neglecting our own personal nutrition, fitness, appearance, and educational interests. My mother, Deborah Townsend was keenly aware of this double standard and had a hilarious saying: "Do as I say and not as I do!" And yet, we loved it most when she did take care of herself. It is most ironic that the one thing a parent can do that helps everyone in the family--meditation--is often at the bottom rung of the personal parental priority list, somewhere between painting toenails and going salsa dancing. In approximately the time it takes to fold a hamper of bath towels, one can accomplish a decent sit. The household will thank you for it, and it's way better to assign crumpled up towels as martyrs than yourself.

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #17: It is helpful to have an established sitting space, dedicated just to meditation. We have taken this idea to the extreme and are consructing a temple (www.gainesvilleretreatcenter.com). However, in the meantime, my sitting area is a part of the living room with a small table with a Buddha, mala beads, and small bamboo on it, with a zafu cushion within easy reach. The family honors that are to be no toys, Cheez-Its, or wipeys, DVD's, etc. anywhere near this small sanctuary, and it works.

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #18: There are many words for it: PMS, perimenopause, male PMS, testosterone overload, menopause, male menopause, hormone imbalance, elevated pregnancy hormones, etc. to explain the erratic, over-emotive, and sometimes overwhelming behavior that all human beings display at one time or another. It can feel like these invasive biochemicals are swallowing you whole. But there is part of you NOTICING that you are feeling overwhelmed and over-emotive and at the mercy of this ancient biological force. So the next time you break out into tears because a TV commercial for life insurance shows a child, now grown, kissing his mother goodbye as he goes off to college, with a cheesy bellowing violin and keyboard track intensifying the unbearable experience, just take a moment through that experience and ask yourself: who's feeling? Then, by all means, bawl your eyes out, with no reservation or judgement or conservation of tissues. This is meditation in motion.

 MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #19: On "Doer-ship": If there is food in front of us, we do eating. If there are dirty dishes or laundry in front of us, we do washing. If there is a book in front of us, we do reading. If our children are in front of us, we do parenting. If there is a floor/cushion/chair in front of us, we do meditation.

 MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #19: On "Doer-ship": If there is food in front of us, we do eating. If there are dirty dishes or laundry in front of us, we do washing. If there is a book in front of us, we do reading. If our children are in front of us, we do parenting. If there is a floor/cushion/chair in front of us, we do meditation.

Tips 11-15: Fairies, Time, Flabby Arms, and the Secret to Happiness

Tip #11: By all means, permit your kids to meditate with you. But they may not need it. When my daughter was 4, she asked me why I meditate. I told her it was because it was the only way I could see the Fairies in the Forest. Her reply: "Oh! I get it. So I don't need to meditate, 'cuz they are always playing with me." At 9, she says she still sees them about every day. Still, sometimes both of my kids will come and sit on my lap during meditation time and we will "watch for the Fairies." Nothing more needs to be done at this point, unless your now 4-year old son decides to freeze them with his imaginary ice blaster.

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, "Just Do It" Tip #12: Many parental units say that they don't have any time for basic grooming, like shaving, tweezing, or showering, nevermind time for meditation. However, one of the many benefits of meditation is that more of the finer details of life's experiences are noticed, since one is not as caught up in the maelstrom of thought, meaning it is much more likely that you will notice and tend to your unibrow, nose growths and/or your, er, eau de musk.

 MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, "Just Do It" Tip #13: Sometimes, after one has established a meditation practice, it is common to experience weight gain, including flabby triceps and glutei. This effect is due to the release of stress, as tension burns calories, and the release of tension can slow the metabolism. I call this the "Angel Wing Effect" (with credit to Roswita Pellowski for the application of the term). It often deters new meditators from continuing with their meditation due to a particular level of totally freaking out that makes them want to spend that precious 30-45 minutes for a second run on the treadmill instead of a single sit on the zafu cushion. If one can breathe through and get past this stage, one may find that they eventually become much healthier, inside and out, and confident enough to bare any kinds of arms they wish.

 MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, "Just Do It" Tip #14: Sometimes, despite the right conditions, proper allotment of time, a quiet space, etc., your "Monkey Mind" will simply not ease off during your entire sit. Sometimes, in fact, it even seems to get more hyper, leaving one with a sense that their meditation for the day has failed. This is not at all dissimilar to the indescribably frustrated feeling you have when, despite all of your best efforts, your 4-year old simply will not get to sleep, and instead wants to play "Alien Cash Register" on his pillow until midnight with lots of loud BEEP BEEP BEEPing sounds, even though at 5:45pm he was close to drifting off but you redirected him from falling asleep so he wouldn't be awake all night and you were so proud because for SURE he would fall asleep at 8pm, and then you could meditate.... This is not failure. This is a great chance to bow to the mysterious force that Einstein credits for all of the indescribable events that remind us that we are not the ones in control of our micro-universes, and certainly not the big "Universe" itself, though we sure love to try. It can be met with laughter, albeit occasionally it comes out sounding a bit maniacal.

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, "Just do It" Tip #15: Up at 5am. Hit snooze, miss morning meditation. Up for real at 5:40. Lunches made, kids dressed and fed and off to school, errands done, phone calls and emails returned, oops missed an email--important--got it--answered phone call from boss, answered two texts, chickens fed, dog poop picked up, 90 minutes till time to get kids; FINALLY time to meditate. Right? Wrong. Husband: "Car broke. We have to go and take it in to the mechanic, NOW." Notice feelings: Dejected. Sad. Disappointed. Notice that the feelings are in my stomach. Remember a great quote from a master: "Happiness, according to me, means acceptance of what-is in any situation. The ultimate happiness is contentment and contentment means acceptance, not 'wanting' happiness. Not seeking happiness means accepting whatever is at the moment. Acceptance means acceptance of happiness or unhappiness, as it happens. Acceptance means surrender and surrender means expecting no change, wanting no change. Everything happens. Nobody does anything."
- Ramesh Balsekar, THE END OF DUALITY

Happy.

Tips 9-10: Cartoons and the Two Steps Back Principle

Meditation Practice for Mothers, Tip #9: Saturday morning can be an excellent time for an extended meditation sit if you are all right with your children watching a few episodes of Saturday morning cartoons while they nibble on bagels and fruit. I personally am fine with 2-3 PBS kids shows. If you feel guilty about all the TV-watching while you meditate, however, welcome the guilt--it will give you something to work with during your sit.

Meditation Practice for Mothers, "Just Do It" Tip #10: There are some days that, despite a good run of daily meditation, insights, yoga, healthy eating, and a comfortable sense of being on your path, that you wake up and just cannot get it together. You can't quite wake up, you are only partially attentive to your kids, the deafening sound of the high school sports teams waiting in the 4-mile long line at Chick Fil-A (where your kids just HAD to go and you are to tired/out of it to argue, though you did insist on fruit cups) is about to drive you into the nearest cave, your neck is stiff from sleeping funny, and you basically wish you could just start over, or are waiting to start but its already 3pm. I call this the "1 step forward 2 steps back" principle. It is insidious because it gives the illusion that your meditation practice isn't working. Don't let this principle deter you. It too is an illusion and an important part of the practice.

TIPS 6-8: OF BREATHING, TIME, MOSQUITOES AND TEA

TIPS 6-8:OF BREATHING, TIME, MOSQUITOES AND TEA

Meditation Practice for Mothers, "Just Do It" Tip #6: In the rapid-fire world of active parenting--you know, when your 3-year old is hanging from the top of the bookshelf (inexplicably, as he was just playing with blocks 2 seconds ago before you turned your head) while you are trying to talk to an important client, the black beans are burning, your baby is crying, your 9-year old is asking you to explain why we aren't doing more about global warming, and your husband is shouting for clean underwear--all at the same time--it is easy for the yogic/Zen techniques of "fully experiencing every moment" to unravel. So what to do? Notice you are breathing through all of it. Breathing is nice. Breathing is enough. Noticing it is enough. After all, it means we are alive on this little floating planet to be able to do all of this crazy stuff, and that is nothing short of miraculous.

Meditation Practice for Mothers, "Just Do It" Tip #7: Invariably, and no matter how you plan it with naptimes, getting up extra early, waiting till your kids are at school, etc., your preschooler will somehow time into the exact moment you have just settled into perfect, blessed, long-awaited stillness on your cushion and need you RIGHT THEN. I even had a phone call from the preschool that my son was sick and crying fir me at the very moment I sat down to meditate. This is not a conspiracy against your meditation practice. It is a cosmic reminder that you have been given a few precious years to be the center of another being's heart, and that in no time at all you will have all the time in the world to meditate...and during those times, you will wish for your kids instead. This is the practice...without linear time, shape, boundaries, or form.... Only This.

Meditation Practice for Mothers, "Just Do It" Tip  #8: It can be very challenging to maintain a meditation practice while on a school camping trip with 100 over-excited 5th graders, especially when the cabin you are assigned to is full of 9- and 10-year old over-excited girls who are afraid of cockroaches, spiders, and the dark, the love bugs and mosquitoes want to very proactively meditate on your face, the mattresses squeak like someone is slowly and excruciatingly letting the air out of a very large, loud balloon, one of the only two toilets is backed up, and your bunk mate snores in such a forceful and regular way that you are convinced, in half-wakefulness, that we need to evacuate for an impending tornado. I put bug spray on and found a pre-dawn spot with a view of the lake and oak tree sentries all around, enjoying the sounds of the night creatures catching up with the first dawn birds, breathed in this wonderful temporary stillness, nestled it inside, knowing that it, and about six gallons of tea, will sustain the day. (Cathartic post-meditation addendum: both the mosquitoes around my face and the snoring last night proved to be excellent bell ringers to snap me back into the present moment when thoughts started wandering off. This is a catharsis. I bow, bow, bow to them, and am grateful for these unexpected gifts this morning, when previously, only "Oy vey" seemed the appropriate response.)

MEDITATION TIPS FOR MOTHERS, 1-5

 Meditation Practice for Mothers, "Just Do It" Tip #1: Allow your kids to honor your meditation time. Tell them that they may play or do homework quietly while you sit, following household safety rules. When you hear something crash and/or explode, mindfully rise from your cushion and stay present with your emotions, noticing them fully before moving forward with the appropriate response.

Meditation Practice for Mothers, "Just Do It" Tip #2: If your beautiful white meditation shawl from India is smeared with peanut butter, it is perfectly acceptable to use a blanket with Spongebob Squarepants/Disney Princesses on it instead.

Meditation Practice for Mothers, "Just Do It" Tip #3: Find a quiet place inside. Because that's the only place it's going to be quiet...

Meditation Practice for Mothers, "Just Do It" Tip #4: We meditate to connect to our Source, aka Allness, Suchness...and as we practice, this connection permeates everyday life. As such, we infinitely do laundry, cooking, and dishes. Simultaneously, there are no dishes, cooking, or laundry. This is a good thing, for those of us who have no maid.

Meditation Practice for Mothers, "Just Do It" Tip #5: When one begins a meditation practice, usually the first thing that happens is that one becomes aware of the unbelievable number of "monkey mind" thoughts that are taking over the mind. For mothers, these are usually in the form of "to do" lists: "make lunches, call the pediatrician, buy organic strawberries from Co-op or Farmers market but not Publix, work out, email about PTA meeting, make newspaper column deadline by 5pm, change car tires, fix the tractor, berate myself, get nuclear reactor blueprints to boss by 5pm, fix sewing machine, hem Otis's pants, berate myself again for not getting enough done in time, help Susy with her homework, berate myself for doing self-berating, find a better swimming coach, don't freak out, freak out, watch myself from a higher consciousness freaking out, berate myself for freaking out, get mad at husband for not understanding why I am freaking out," etc. As one gets further into the practice, one realizes that there is only one thing for the to-do list: meditate. The rest seems to take care of itself. 

Intro to this Blog: Householders as Spiritual Seekers

A few years ago, when I was well into a solid meditation practice and had begun my yoga teacher training, I was invited to a week-long sesshin (extended meditation practice) at a prominent Zen Center.  My daughter was four and I was pregnant with my son,  and as the sesshin was during a time that my son would be a newborn,  I was unable to attend.  Via telephone interview, an esteemed Zen master told me it would be at least ten years before I could get back to a formal, established Zen meditation practice. I found this to be unacceptable--if this path is right here, right now--if the True Self is within and instantly accessible, what is all this waiting for my kids to get bigger business? And wouldn't the practice be essential for evolving mindfulness during the experience of parenting, as well as support the development of mindful children? If we are to effect compassion and lovingkindness  in this world, parents need a way to maintain a dedicated meditation practice.

If you are reading this, it is likely that you too are smack in the middle of what is commonly called the "Householder" phase of life---a busy, busy, busy time largely consumed with caretaking, peanut butter sandwiches, a softening mid-line, a sagging bottom-line, sleep deprivation, house and vehicle maintenance, and work.  It is the post-power Yogi/Zen student, pre-retired retreat attendee/Zen master phase, and is often dismissed in the Spiritual Seeker world but for some token yoga classes at the gym.   While meditation groups are available, there is almost never child care, and it is hard to justify paying a babysitter $60/week to simply sit with a bunch of people.  You try to do it yourself.  Whenever and wherever you can.  And it's almost impossible...certainly not anything like what the "old you" was capable of.  In fact, many great gurus, masters, artists, scientists and other mad geniuses either forego or give up on this whole Householder phase entirely.  And yet, in us, the yearning exists, as it should, for the siren song of Spirit is irresistible.

Look at the definition of "Householder" as it stands: you are alive and you live in a house.  For 98% of the world, that is in itself a miraculous gift.  The house has electricity when you pay the bill, a roof that usually doesn't leak too much, and enough space for all of your stuff.  And you have stuff.  Sometimes way too much stuff.  And you go to the grocery store and buy food.  Lots and lots of food. And you might have a garden to grow more food.  And you go to other stores to buy clothes and Cuisinarts.  And you have kids, and they are probably alive and hopefully healthy, and if they are not, you have lots of resources to help you through. And you may or may not have a partner to help you take care of them and all of your stuff.  I can think of about 3 billion people who would give anything for the "Householder" scenario, and there was a time, before this scenario, that you probably would have given anything for it as well.  So, there is absolutely no reason a Householder should not be an intent Spiritual Seeker, because any Householder in his or her right mind is full of Gratitude.  Gratitude is one of the most basic tenets of Sprituality.

Therefore, stubbornly, with two active, smallish children and two jobs and a house and a husband, I have refused to give up my very earnest and devoted meditation and yoga practice.  However, I have discovered that it did need to be modified, and with a good dose of humor.  Talk about the ultimate lesson in non-attachment, as the traditional ways of Zen meditation and spiritual seeking sometimes just don't sync with the "householder" scenario. Hence, this book--tried and true tips for all moms, dads, caregivers--stay on the path, and have fun!