TIPS 49-51: Spontaneous Sits, Mindful Chewing, and Impatience

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip # 49: Somewhere between a formal, scheduled, and timed sit in a dedicated space and the moment-to-moment mindfulness practice of daily life, there is sometimes the opportunity for what I like to call a "Spontaneous Supervisory Sit." This opportunity takes place during one of those magical moments when your child or children are playing in a safe setting over an extended period of time, and your only job is to be with them and supervise. You can sit on a bench or cross-legged on a makeshift towel and mind your children and your mind with total presence. Just remember to keep your eyes open.

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #50: As I stood in front of the kitchen sink wolfing down handfuls of spinach tortellinis because between feeding the family and the animals and cleaning up and helping the kids with homework and picking up not-yet-housetrained puppy poop there was never any time to actually sit down and have a meal for myself, I realized that I was not eating mindfully. So I attempted to slow down each chew and carefully experience the sensation of the experience while leaning over the dish-filled sink. By the third chomp, with the dryer buzzing and the TV suddenly turned up the theme song to Scooby Doo at max volume in the background, olive oil dribbling down my chin in a desperate attempt to nourish and work hard at being mindful, son shouting "Mooooom!" -- I became distinctly aware that the whole scene was distinctly hilarious. Belly-bustingly, life-livingly funny, and the laughter that ensued was a cathartic testament that THIS, ultimately, sums this practice up in one, messy, loud, olive-oil basted, Scooby-Doo soundtracked, moment.

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #51: One of the interesting things to be attentive to in meditation, parenting, and life in general, is impatience. In meditation, you often see impatience in two forms: impatience within the practice itself, and impatience about the practice. An example of the former type is when you are immersed in your sit but frustrated with its progress, i.e.: "When will my mind shut up? It's been almost an hour and I want to get beyond this, but I am almost out of time! I need to count my breaths...no, that's not working...what can I do? It wasn’t like this yesterday; this shouldn’t be happening!” Etc. An example of the latter type is when you are on the cushion for all of 5 minutes but both your mind and body want to be done already and off to the day's doings, and your whole practice is spent using all of your focus and concentration to not get up until your established sitting time is over.

In parenting, we have the same two forms. An example of the former type, impatience within parenting, is when you just want your child to move faster, either physically, emotionally, academically, etc., rather than settling into wherever he/she happens to be for however long he/she needs to be there. I.e.: “Why isn’t she remembering how to do long division? Yesterday we were doing long division with decimals! Now it’s like we never did it! This is driving me crazy! She needs to be ready for algebra if she wants to get into a good college prep high school!” Or…”How long is it going to take to walk one block? I just want to get there! Why won’t he move a little faster? Yesterday I couldn’t get him to slow down!” It is usually in proportion to a parent’s state of personal uptightness or stress, which can compound itself brilliantly with the parent wishing they had time to meditate to alleviate that stress.

That leads us perfectly to an example of the second type: impatience about parenting, which happens when you are there with your child physically but really want to be doing something else—working on your poetry, working out, cleaning the house without disruption, meditating—and it takes all of your focus and concentration to simply try to stay present with being with the needs of your child. For all cases of impatience, and in all applications, the approach is the same. Just notice that you have it, give love to yourself and your impatient state, and gently be with it. It will take…patience…but it will pass much more quickly than if you go the “instant gratification” route and act on it by jumping off the cushion too soon or giving in to your uptight impulses with your child, rather than simply watching the impulses, noticing them and feeling them, unpleasant as those feelings are. Eventually, it will go away if you don’t hold on to it. And then it will come back. And then it will go away. And you won’t be stuck in any of it. 

TIPS 46-48: The Borg, Halloween, and the Oak Tree

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #46: Remember the Borg? Those big, bad mammajammas in Star Trek: The Next Generation that would find you, no matter where you were in the four quadrants of intergalactic space, and declare ominously: "You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile." Of course, Picard and crew valiantly fought for their individual identities, as would any of us under such circumstances. But the spiritual path is not the same. It's more like: "I am here, waiting for you at Home, with a depth of peace, love, and understanding that is beyond a single, individual mind's comprehension, that is your birthright. Whenever you wish to stop resisting, you'll get here." And yet, so many of us still fight this call in the name of this concept of "individuality" or "self-identity" as if that gentle beckoning were from a Borg cubed spaceship, terrified that we will be overtaken if we "let go." Ironically, when one lets go to the fictional Borg, one gets outfitted in a heavy robotic suit and can barely walk. When one lets go to the true reality of the Universe, one soars weightlessly, without burdens. Live long and prosper.

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #47: When one becomes a parent, one begins an adventure of awareness that is keenly connected to one or more other deeply feeling beings. It's not "all about you" anymore. The choices you make for yourself, like embarking on a meditation practice, making earth-friendly choices, and more, become that much more important to the open-hearted beings you steward. This living, loving practice includes how much Halloween candy you choose to gorge yourself on. At least, show some discretion as to which brands of candy you totally pig out on, throwing in great memories from your childhood, with a few wise words between gooey, chewy, blissfully chocolatey mouthfuls about enjoying the experience without guilt, even though the rest of the year even one piece would drive you into a "teaching moment" about how refined sugar and cheap chocolate causes rotting teeth and pimples and is destroying the planet and promoting unfair economical practices, etc. The next morning, practice mindful quiet sneak-walking when removing a scrumptious York Peppermint Patty from your kids' Halloween basket, and appreciate every secret bite as you eat it for breakfast, throwing in a few childlike giggles between chews.

 MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS (which is essentially everyone since we all care for others along this path), TIP #48: The next time you are terrifically stressed out because you are late for the orthodontist or unable to get to soccer on time because you cant find your daughter any clean socks or... (insert everyday stressor here)... stop for a moment, breathe deeply, and consider the oak tree outside, the air it exchanges life-giving gases with, the clouds that will sooner or later congregate to feed it water. It is unconcerned with dirty socks and missed appointments. And yet it grows, indescribably beautiful, calm, and upward, and will continue to do so even thirty years from now, when you are worried about being late for your geriatric checkup.

Tips 41-45: We Are All Parents, Cosmic Energy, Busy-ness, Worry, and Deep Peace

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #41: We are all the Divine Mother and Father. Even if you don't have physical children--i.e. short growing beings (4-leggeds included) living with you for an extended period of time--your life and work are, as Zen Master Teacher Valerie Forstman so beautifully describes--your "beloved children." Embrace each element of your life with the fire of love and the song that one sings for the beloved.

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #42: The "meditative state" is described as being reached when one sits through the watching of thoughts and noticing of sensations until, ultimately, thoughts and sensations are minimized and one is in stillness and fully in the present moment. It is in this state that one can receive the very powerful sustenance of "cosmic energy." Not all sits lead to the meditative state, and being in witness is enough. But some sits do reach that state, and the impact of cosmic energy is noticeable. Parenting can be like that, too--most of the time, while you are playing with your child and being a good parent, you are also planning dinner, thinking about work, and organizing the many details of life in your head. But sometimes, your brain shuts up and you are actually, fully, PLAYING with your kid and having the time of your life acting like a Power Ranger or kicking a ball. Embrace yourself at those times. Then open your chakras and let the cosmic energy flow in, baby. It may not happen all the time, but when it does, that cosmic energy is some powerful stuff, and you need not be sitting on a cushion to receive it!

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #43: When my kids were born, my guru, aka my mom, told me that I was entering "the busy stage of life." And Oy, was she right. And Oy, do we parents love to talk with each other about the busy-ness of it all. But, as we continue our meditation practice to create space in our experience of life, so too can there be space in the busy-ness. The amount of things that need to be tended to might not change, but our whole approach to it can change drastically, starting with an acknowledgement that our attachment to the busy-ness might be causing suffering. How? By thinking about the state of busy-ness all the time. My guru (mom) always gave this bit of advice: "Saunter." Commiserate less, experience more. Off now to saunter to my desk, then to two meetings, then chores, then car repair (again), then picking up kids, then piano practice, then redirecting my sons new obsession with the word "poop," then dealing with fatigue and runny noses, then homework, then cooking...then counting some stars and breathing in some cinnamon tea. One glorious busy-but-not-busy moment at a time.

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #44: Parenting can put you in a constant state of urgency, usually due to the fast pace of taking care of soooo many little things all day long. When you are beginning to panic because you forgot to cut the organic carrots in cute little circles instead of the long, skinny way, which is how your son used to like it but now he likes the circles, it is time to make some time for meditation. At best, meditation puts everything into a healthy perspective. At the very least, you begin to watch how silly your mind sounds worrying as much about the shape of your kid's baby carrots as it does on world issues, creating peace, and saving the planet.

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #45: At a recent talk, "Untethered Soul" author/spiritual teacher Mickey Singer spoke of the spiritual path as leading to "The peace that passeth all understanding." This passething thing I totally get. It is understandable that it is hard to feel peace when your 3 your old is throwing a tantrum about being offered a carob bar and not being able to have a Kit Kat while forty-two people at the health food store are watching and going tsk-tsk. It is understandable that you feel at a loss to explain to your devastated tween daughter why Orangutans might be going extinct in ten years thanks to spoiled human logging. But once you have had a glimpse of the deep stillness beneath the storm of everyday life, you begin to realize with awe that eventually, even catastrophe will not ruffle you. You parent. You experience. You breathe. You love. You cry. It is beyond superficial, mind-based understanding, but who cares? There's nothing at all to figure out, because for some reason, when you reach this state, your son begins to like chemical-free chocolate, and the Orangutans have a real chance, and the tears flowing from your childrens' eyes are from their open loving hearts instead of frustration.

Tips 36-39: Housework, Healing, Nonviolence, and Sippy Cup Meditation

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #36: In "Autobiographyy of a Yogi," after Paramahansa Yogananda attains supreme enlightenment, transcendentally flying through the air and seeing and knowing all, his master greets him on his return with a broom and a smile and asks him to sweep the floor. In Zen, this is called "Chop Wood, Carry Water." So if you think you can't be on the path because you have too many chores to do, guess again--even the masters couldn't be absolved from household duties. In fact, household duties are sort of the point.

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DAD, Tip #37: It is very good to catch your son's cold. It is especially good for it to turn into a very bad case of bronchitis and send you to the doctor for antibiotics. Why? Because people like me rebel against the knock-down, especially after I am convinced that by being on this path I can use all kinds of positive healing affirmations and visualizations of healing light and natural remedies from the garden and breathing and yoga and not need "evil antibiotics." Because I know that this sickness and the immediate need for antibiotics indicates a much greater, life-oriented need to turn inward and really pay attention to a much more long-term healing that beckons for a less "go go go" attitude and lifestyle, that allows for imperfection, softness, slowness. That being manically proactive for natural remedies was just another form of "go go go" with a holistic label. To finally go to the doctor was to totally surrender to what I would have once perceived as defeat. It was humbling. And maybe that is what is finally causing the healing, more than the antibiotics.

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #38: While there are many, multi-faceted and much-numbered principles in Zen, the Dalai Lama bases his teachings on two foundational principles: 1) the interdependent nature of reality, and 2) do no harm/non-violence. That means, as a parent, while you would never harm your child, you must never beat yourself up (literally or figuratively), either. 

 MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #39: While you may have created a lovely sitting area with zafu/zabuton cushions and a small shrine with a Buddha and a bamboo on it (and maybe some little crystals with a mala bead necklace going around the whole thing) you may never get there some mornings--like when your small child calls out for you to bring him a yogurt drink in a sippy cup and just lie down with him for awhile. These shrine-and-cushion-free mornings do not sacrifice your meditation time. Lying there in the warm darkness of pre-dawn is a perfect time to "sit," whether by counting your breaths, counting his sippy cup slurps, working on a koan, or simply doing shikantaza, aka "just sitting (lying/walking/jumping/yelling/freaking/fretting/blissing out/etc.)" and noticing all happenings within and without in this very moment.

THE FOUR NOBLE TRUTHS--of Parenting and the Path

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #40: The Buddha laid out what are called the Four Noble Truths, and they are considered the foundation for this path.  Here they are, simplified and modified for moms and dads:

1) With the considerable demands of parenting, there will times when you really feel suffering.  And oy, when you really feel it, does the rest of the family feel it too.

2)The reason we suffer is usually because we have really high expectations of ourselves as parents and the world and people around us, and with expectations not being met (i.e we get sick--not supposed to happen! Our child misbehaves--not supposed to happen! I can't finish all my work in time--not supposed to happen! I am not a perfect mom/meditator as I see what perfect is supposed to be--not supposed to happen!), and with our constant efforts to mold ourselves and the world around us so they can be met, comes predictable disappointment, fatigue, heartache, etc., aka suffering.

3)There is a way to end this cycle of suffering.  The whole world benefits from this "Way." You do not have go to any extremes like leaving your family to go on a lifelong pilgrimage to the Himalayas or live as an ascetic in the woods and eat oak leaves for 12 years, nor is the way to win the lottery and have all worldly needs compensated for (although occasional pedicures are really nice).  It is often called "The Middle Way."

4) The Middle Way involves concerted daily focus on right choices, as defined in the Eightfold Path, and is worth studying, but ultimately it is your very clear intention to end suffering and the daily action of sending love to yourself and to others, as well as meditation, that will set you -- and those around you -- free.  Enjoy, or at least notice and fully experience, every moment.

TIPS 33-35: Mother Bear, Recovery, and Smart Phones

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #33: Most moms, dads, pet parents, and other caregivers have had at least a taste of the power of "Mother Bear": If their child is threatened in any way, all fear or conventional thought disappears and you attain almost super-powers to defend and protect your loved one. I once dove, literally without a thought, into the middle of a violent attack on my dog, grabbed the jaws of a Cujo-sized million-pound Rottweiler and pried him off of my little Schipperke. The sheer laser focus of my mission sent the ginormous canine whimpering away by some unspoken force that came out of me that apparently was something to be reckoned with. I was totally in the moment, without thought or distraction or fear, and was gifted a brief but powerful glimpse of the power of the freedom that this pure state of mind bequeaths. Imagine what we would be capable of if one could maintain this state of mind during the daily, "Nothing Special" routines of life. Without the drama, without the threat---but just with the experience---the powerful peace of human existence without suffering.

 MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #34: One of the phenoms of this practice is that as you learn to stop fighting with and start surrendering to the reality of your present experience, reality starts dancing the cha-cha with you. To use the previously referred-to illness as an example: When I stopped trying to plow through my sickness grudgingly and just relaxed (as much as one can with a head cold) into "being sick," an amazing thing happened. Life slowed waaaaay down. The laundry list was the same, the kids' needs were the same, the house just as messy, the emails just as extensive, the daily schedule just as busy. But somehow everything got slower, and I could hear and see much more beyond the senses that congestion was obscuring. Went to water the garden and discovered that the garden wasn't a place to water and pull weeds from--it just made me happy, and I noticed for the first time that some of the weeds were attracting butterflies. Went to the Citizens Co-op and consumed massive quantities of locally grown, organic vegetables, and the whole experience of having such a place so close to home and being able to self-nourish so easily got me downright mushy with appreciation. Languished in a loooong forward bend. Picked up the kids and just felt like kissing them. Who would've thought that a state of recovery could actually procure a state of Grace? Bows.

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #35: Got a Smart Phone? You know, that little palm-sized doodad with all of your emails, Facebook, Apps, Alarms, Calendar Appointments, and Games? Congratulations, you've got distraction. Got kids? You know, the little hip-high beings who want to throw the damn thing out the window because you are only halfway paying attention to them when the palm-sized doodad is within arm's reach? Congratulations, you've got real live Keepers of the Present Moment.

Tips 31-32: Congestion and Word Doohickeys

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #30: Sometimes, like today in my case, you catch a really nasty bugger of a cold from your son who caught it last week from some coughing, stuffed-up kid he was playing with in school. If you're really rocking, your daughter catches it too and she gets uncharacteristically cranky and whiny, which, since you are sick too, is enough to drive you bananas. To top it all off, just as the worst of the cold is barraging you with its whole gloppy, merciless effect, your son, who started it all, is almost completely better and only wants to be as totally wild as he can possibly be to make up for all the other days he was lying around. A sit-down meditation is totally out of the question, since your nose alone won't allow you to sit for more than two seconds without requiring a tissue, and your son is trying to climb up on your shoulders ("to be as tall as a Transformer Bot!") at the same time, and your head is so congested and swirly that you can't even make sense of your thoughts, no less watch them or let them go. You want to go into major "do something about it" mode: pull out the echinacea, vitamin C, neti pots, garlic, manuka honey, neem, ginger, astragalus, loquat syrup, green tea, and legal or maybe illegal drugs, and try to trudge through the day in misery with some nice kvetching at your husband thrown in for maximum effect, while you dutifully go through the motions of cleaning and cooking and laundry and Facebooking and bugging your kids to clean up their messes and practice piano, but really, ultimately, there is only one thing to do here: Be sick. Achoo.

MEDITATION PRACTICE FOR MOMS AND DADS, Tip #31: Just cleared my fridge of about a million of these little "Magnetic Poetry for Kids" doohickeys. They were wonderful when we first got them--we made all kinds of creative, brilliant, and witty statements--but that was a few weeks ago and now they have disintegrated into a bunch of word debris infecting every corner of my fridge. While mindfully removing piece after piece, I visualized simultaneously removing thought debris from my brain. Just like the doohickeys, our brain has an amazing capability of creating brilliance from small parts. But then it just keeps them all in there like a good little data processor until they unravel and float about, further obscuring our efforts for potential cleanliness of our mind. In the Buddha's teaching, "the criterion of genuine enlightenment lies precisely in purity of mind." Are there any similar, metaphorical models for your mind in your physical world that you can purify?