JUST SAY MAYBE

JUST SAY MAYBE
Shana Smith c. 2018

     Hey there, SuperWoman! Yes, you. And you, too, SuperMan, because I am seeing a lot more of you guys joining the compassionate ranks. SuperPeople, hear me: we are all too familiar with the mantra “Just say NO.” The soccer team needs 500 cupcakes—want to make them? “Ye-uh—NO!” We need a new fundraising chair for the community improvement committee—you’d be perfect! “OK—I mean—NO!” We’ve gotten better at it, haven’t we? When our own laundry has reached Mount Everest heights and we’ve learned that we can NOT wash the entire high school football team’s uniforms despite the desperate need—we can find our power—we can ditch our guilt—we can say NO!
Except, we can’t. Or at least without the guilt. Or we say YES and still feel guilty for not doing it well enough, because there will always be another superhuman who does it better. I remember how satisfied I felt when I made a taco bar for fifty people for my daughter’s school play. I whisked in with the large trays, contentedly watching the teenagers scarf it all down, thinking how this dinner must have been a welcome respite from the endless Domino’s pizza deliveries they surely had been suffering over the past days. So glad I said YES! How they must have appreciated me! For a blissful hour, I was secure in my inner and outer worlds.
     Then I found out that another mom made two types of lasagna, three desserts, and several drink selections the following day, and both my ego sense of superhuman self worth flattened out like a Domino’s pizza. Yes or No, I would’ve felt that deep sense of groundlessness, either way.
No! Yes! No! Yes! The whole ride feels like a seesaw, and the stickiness of our emotions and self esteem are palpable. A flat NO is not always the be-all answer, and we already know that YES can get us overcommitted and overwhelmed in two seconds. Both extremes play with our emotions, our sense of self-worth and purpose. YES and NO are just two ends of the hyperbolic coin. So, I invite a new approach:

Just say MAYBE.

     Maybe? But isn’t that wishy-washy? Isn’t that weak? Doesn’t that mean I’m not bold and self-assured?
Well, maybe. But when you bring up MAYBE and all of this other “stuff” comes up; my, there’s a lot more to this whole Yes and No thing to making cookies, isn’t there? Look deeper. What are we really trying to accomplish here? Looking good, strong, powerful, together? Being a super-parent/caregiver/team player and preserving one’s health all at the same time? Not letting anyone down? Being the best at everything? Doing everything because I genuinely WANT to but realistically don't have the time or energy?
MAYBE gives you space to take a big breath and 1) look at your outer world and 2) look at your inner world. After that, you can say YES or NO with greater clarity and peace.
First, look at your outer world. When the team coach you to wash forty stinky uniforms by Tuesday, you say “maybe.” Then, you look at the forty stinky loads of your own family’s laundry you HAVE to do, so that your own children will have underwear for the week. Makes it easier to say NO, doesn’t it? And you can explain it to the coach in those exact terms.

     But your inner world can be less cut and dry. Sure, your kids won’t have underwear. But you want to stand out and be a great parent supporter. You want to show the coach you can do this. You also don’t want him to know that you are so woefully behind in your own laundry that your kids don’t even have clean underwear. Take a big breath. Sit quietly and look deeper: Fear, shame, self-worth, ego are all beneath these thoughts. 

     We are all subject to these thoughts, and we all try to overcome them by doing everything, all at the same time, until we burn out. It’s a vicious cycle. But just noticing them is transformational. Noticing them unsticks us from them, so that we can just be with things exactly as they are, with less fear, doubt, shame. We can notice them, feel them, and let them dissolve. Then we can say NO or YES from a more grounded, less anxious place. 

     Saying MAYBE allows you to untie the knots that NO and YES get you tied up in. Saying MAYBE opens the world up to you as a place of possibility, not a place that endlessly tests your abilities to measure up. Saying MAYBE allows you to breathe and take stock of the big picture of your inner and outer worlds, and to communicate clearly and authentically to those who have reached out to you. In fact, it can even bring a sense of gratitude to these relationships, in that you are part of a whole big picture of human experience, in which you have the freedom to contribute, experience, and serve in so many ways.

      So what are you waiting for? Get out there and maybe start a movement! Or maybe join the PTA! Or maybe catch up on sleep! Or do the endless list of responsibilities from dawn till bedtime that you DON’T have a choice to say yes or no or maybe to…but maybe do them just a little bit slower, with a few more breaks to take a deep breath and look at a tree’s leaves rustling in the breeze. Maybe stop for five minutes, turn off your phone, and practice watching your thoughts instead of letting them run your show. Maybe the world will become a bit less loaded with what YES and NO used to hold for you. Maybe you’ll begin to feel the ground again. And maybe those around you will notice a greater peace around you and respond to that much more than they would respond to your YES or your NO.